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Ian

I hate Ian Somerhalder.

I do

It’s Not like I encountered him

on the street or something

and he did something bad to me.

You girls were the cause of this hatred.

You ask how?

Because most of you girls

have a crush on this dude.

Y’know what?

I don’t blame you,

even I have a crush on this dude…

No homo…look I’m not one of you those guys

that when his partner says,

“I’m a huge fan of Brad Pitt”

and be like

“Me or Brad Pitt?

Of course, Brad Pitt you idiot…

is this even a question?

You are just manipulating your partner

to choose mud over a diamond.

“Yeah, of course, I choose you”

as if you had a choice.

If a girl says that to me, I’ll block her period

Oh yeah, really

you chose me over Brad Pitt.

Of course, you chose me over Jafar.

But not Brad Pitt.

And don’t act like as if

Brad Pitt is into you or something

By The Way, I hate Ian Somerhalder.

Did I say that enough?

When a girl compliments a celebrity,

Ian Somerhalder

we guys start comparing ourselves to that dude.

And it’s not a fair comparison.

What?

I did it too.

Not just I compared myself to this dude,

but I also thought myself as him.

For a while

You ask how?

The next day, I went in front of a mirror,

and looked at my face,

you know,I started comparing myself to Ian.

The great Ian.

Okay… let’s start with hair.

He has the best hair.

come on!

Black like charcoal…

full and thick…

My hair, you ask?

is getting gray,

How old am I?

55 or something?

Huh?

take a look at my hairline

it’s receding like

its life depends on it.

Every morning I wake up and talk to my hair.

Why the hell are you going backward?

Look at his eyes man, what the hell!

Two blue diamonds.

Jesus

And mine you ask?

Just two…

His smile

it’s getting hot in here…

My smile you ask?

I’m not gonna smile for you

I’m grumpy as hell.

Look at his jawline…

what is this Greek god jawline?

But I have to grow some beard

to make it look refined.

Jesus!

Enough with the face…

I’m just embarrassing myself.

Let’s talk about his body.

I’m not gonna go over all the features in his body

because

I don’t like to get banned from the government.

But look at his abs…

but take look at this crap

what!

His height…

god damn it…

let me Google his height…

1.77 CMs?

Hell yeah…

I have 10 cms on you, Ian…

Take this buddy…

Now you compare yourself to me…

God damn it

But can you imagine

how would it be if he were 190Cms?

I would just ask god why?

Why?

That’s all.

no more words.

let him guess.

why?

Oh it’s because of Ian?

Ha Ha.

I nailed that.

I mean come on people

if this is not discrimination, what is it?

I think when god wanted to create Ian,

he was so artistic and meticulous.

So he got really tired

It was my turn, so he took some mud

throw it to the ground

and went to take a nap or something.

And that’s how I was created.

Even his last name has a season in it.

Summer.

Jesus

I Know it spells differently,

but the pronunciation is the same.

that’s why I hate summer.

mine is a job…

So ladies don’t talk about your crush.

problem solved, huh?

A man’s mental health is involved man.

Jesus

Ian?

Damn you…

Goddamn it!